I should not but I love you anyway



  I should not, but I love you anyway

  Jenny Andersson

  Copyright Jenny Andersson 2012

 

  This is a short story about a forbidden love between a sister and her big brother.

  I got this idea out from a book by Katarina Von Bredow "Sibling love".

  I hope you like it.

 

  I didn´t want to have these feelings. I really didn´t. But I couldn´t make them go away either. They set a solid mark in my heart. Whatever I did about it. It was never really good enough. However how much I tried. Just in my thought I could love you the way I wanted. But it hurt. It was so terribly wrong. It could never be you and me. I did everything I could to hide it. But probably you saw right through me. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that you felt the same way.

  My beloved brother.

  

  The summer holidays were about to begin. Me and my best friend Linnea stood outside the church with the rest of the class while we waited to get inside the doors to our very last end of high school. At last the time was finally here. It was now it would happen. When the time as a child was over to start a new as a adult.

  When the bells started hitting, everyone rushed in to locate their seats.

  Our class sat in row 4 and 5 at the front. The priest gave his usual speech. Before the choir had to step up and perform with their unique voice. Unbelievably beautiful. It got my body to shiver with delight. Until it finally came to the principal´s speech. Then, we all knew the end was near.

  Outside the church, we were photographed by the family and embraced by our teachers. The grades I added away until later in my mom´s purse. Linnea was photographed with her boyfriend, Ivar, who was also Leo´s, my brothers best friend. I could not help but smile at their happy faces. Ivar and Leo were both two years older than us. Ivar was dark in every kind of way. His hair, eyes and even his skin, just enough tan. While Leo´s hair was peasant based, slightly longer and spiky, with eyes glistening green, with perfectly tanned skin. I was somewhat paler, shorter and still had my normal hair color. Not too light and not too dark.

  They were all careful of appearances and spent probably several hours before the mirror. But it paid off.

  I was probably the person here who was a bit more commonplace.

  Somewhat sloppy. I was not forced to have makeup for example. What Linnea, dependent on constantly. But with her black hair, blue eyes and slightly darker skin than the rest of us, it would not matter. She was just as adorable without.

  - Hilda and Leo, would you do Linnea and Ivar company in the next picture, so I can take a group photo of you, said our mother with the camera in her hand. I hurried away to the other side of Linnea and I was expecting to see Leo on the other side of Ivar. But instead I felt a hand on my shoulder. My heart was beating a somersault when I met his smiling face. His touch made my body shake. Not again, I thought. Why did he influenced me like this? Okay, he was gorgeous. But he was also my brother. I escaped the feeling and smiled back to face the camera lens with my eyes.

  - Congratulations girls. Finally the high school is completed. How does it feel? asked Ivar.

  - What do you think? Fucking wonderful! Linnea hit her hand to her mouth. Everyone knew why. She had sworn on a land of Gods, outside the church, totally open. But no one could help but laugh at it. There was no offense to anyone. Just an innocent feeling.

  - We should think something out to do all four of us, said Leo, maybe go somewhere to camp?

  - A really good idea. What do you say Hilda? Linnea turned away his gaze from Ivar to meet me.

  - Absolutely, I said without thinking of what I had answered to.

  - Then we will determine it. When do we travel?

  - Why wait? Linnea exclaimed. Why not go today? Right now. The joy in her voice was hard to miss. She was so happy. Ivar added an arm around her shoulders.

  . Yes, why not, said Leo. Let´s go home and pack and we see you outside our house at four?

  - The sooner the better, smiled Linnea, We´ll see you soon. They both disapeared. Tightly enwined to each other.

  Back home, we began to pack. Our parents had nothing to say against us going. All they wanted was to have a safe trip. To take it easy with the driving and that Leo promised to take a good care of me. It felt so natural. But anyway, I got a sense of discomfort. A nervous tingling in my stomach.

  We were getting ready quickly to meet Linnea and Ivar outside before they even had their change to reach our garden. The car roared and rolled out from the driveway with Linnea and Ivar in the back seat and me next to Leo who was driving.

  We decided to camp out on a devastating beach.

  The radio from the car was put on while Ivar and Leo began to prepare the grill. Me and Linnea walked away and sat down on a couple of swings not too far away.

  - We will do it tonight.

  - Do what?

  Linnea smiled shyly.

  - Have sex. Ivar has been so patient with me all these years.

  - Are you sure?

  - Absolutely. I´m ready.

  - But... Weren´t we supposed to share the tent? She smiled apologetically.

  - I hope you don´t mind sharing with your brother instead. My heart jumped high. But I tried to ignore it.

  - No, it´s cool.

  - Really? I can...

  - Don´t be silly.

  - Thanks Hilda. You´re the best. She gave me a long hug, before we went back to the guys at the grill, which almost seemed to cope with the burgers.

  We sat down on a blanket and looked out over the ocean while we munched on our burgers and bread.

  The sun was going down.

  - I want to swim, said Linnea suddenly and took off to bikini and smiled playfully against Ivar.

  - As if you would have to wear that. Ivar was quickly on his feet wearing a pair of boxers and ran after Linnea into the lake. Leo laughed at them.

  - Should we jump in too? Leo asked suddenly.

  - No... I began to doubt, I´m freezing. I added quickly. It was true. I had began to freeze..

  - Why didn´t you say so?

  - I just did. I glanced up at his face. He smiled that cool smile again, as he always did when... When he thought of a girl. I looked down at my feet who had started to dig itself into the sand. Then he suddenly put his arm around me.

  - Does it feel better like these? He pulled me closer to him.

  - I think I will get my shirt, I said quickly and got up and started walking towards the car.

  When I got back Linnea and Ivar was too, twined by a towel. I sighed eased.

  - There you are, we began to wonder where you were, said Linnea and yawned.

  - Looks like someone is feeling a little sleepy, said Ivar and hit her teasingly in the ribbs.

  - So what, she said, smiling shyly again.

  - Perhaps we all should go to bed, said Leo. They nodded and stood up.

  - Are you coming Hilda? asked Leo.

  - Sure, just give me a moment. I sat down again on the empty blanked when the others disappeared into the tents.

  It did not take long before one of them did strange noises. Like moanings. I pulled the blanked up around me and fell into the sand.

  I must have fallen asleep because in the next moment I heard Leo´s voice close to my ear.

  - Hilda? I raised abruptly, why won´t you come inside the tent? It´s very cold out here. He raises his hands to my face to remove the little grains of sand who was stuck to my cheek and my hair. I didn´t dare to look at him, even if he tried to make eye contact with me.

  - Come, he says and made me get up on my feet, you´re ice cold. r />
  He leads me to up to the tent.

  - Here, get in this. It was a sleeping bag. I did as I was told.

  - Do you get any wormer? He asked. I idiotically enough, I shook my head. I almost chop teeth.

  - Take off everything except your underwear.

  - What?! I exclaimed. He laughed. Was it just a joke?

  - I will just share some of my body heat. It will help you worm up a little.

  No, it wasn´t a joke. He was dead serious.

  - I´m ok-kay. I feel much b-better now, I strain forward.

  - Give me a break. Just do as I say. I do not move an inch.

  - Hilda, please. What are you afraid of? The fact that your brother may rape you? He said it just for fun. But when I didn´t replay he sighed loudly.

  - Hilda, come on. What do you think of me?

  - Fine... I got up and let him open the bag when I got undressed and wearing only panties and bra.

  His strong arms hold me around my waist and made me come closer to his body.

  - Does it... feel okay? I nodded. What else could I do? Have him so close made me lose voice. I low with my back against his bare stomach. So I wouldn’t frightened, stare into his face. Meet his gaze. He stroked his cheek against mine.

  - Do you know how wonderful it is to be this close to you? To touch you like this. My heart aches with longing for you, he whispered.

  - What...? I began to tremble like a leaf in his arms.

  - I love you in a way that I shouldn´t. But I know you do that too. You wouldn´t be like these with me otherwise. Would you?

  - Mhm. I felt how he putted a gentle, soft kiss on my hair, next to my ear. A tear falls down on my shoulder. He cried.

  - You have no idea how long I have been waiting for this, he sobs, to get a hold of you. To kiss you, Make love to you.

  I stiffened. What did he say? Kissing? Making love? I gulped. I was a virgin. In my imagination, I had saved me just for him. My wonderful brother. But that could not happen. Just because he was just that. My brother.

  - I don´t want to scare you. But you are the most beautiful and the most loving person I know. You can take my breath away like no other girl have.

  - Stop... Please, just stop, I started to sob.

  - But I don´t want to stop. Then I couldn´t hold back. I started to cry.

  I didn´t want that either. But what was happing, could not happen, ever.

  - Forgive me... Hilda...? I´m sorry, he whispered desperately in my ear.

  I turned my head to face him. But my body did the same thing without any effort. He brought his face up to meet my forehead. While his hand walked up across my back, up to my neck and stressed my tears away with his thumbs.

  - What am I doing? Just look at you. I have destroyed your beautiful face with tears I have created from your eyes. I shook my head. I was speechless. I did not know what to say.

  He putted his hands around my cheeks and just looked at me. I didn´t dare to meet his vulnerable gaze again. But tenderly he kissed both of my eyelids.

  - We... We can´t... We can´t, I struggled out the words. They were so incredibly true that it hurt deep inside my soul. It also hurt my heart to say them.

  - I know. But if you think it´s okay, let me continue. I met his gaze again. What did he mean?

  His lips against mine came so sudden that I didn´t have the time to react. He had his arms around my waist again and pulled me closer. My emotions frightened me. But I enjoyed his kiss and his touch very much. So I let myself touch him also. I kissed him back. But I had to drag me away from him. Breathe. You need to breathe, I reminded myself against his shoulder.

  - I want to be with you Hilda, for real, he whispered to me.

  - What do you mean?

  - Just one time. I will never again ask you for anything. Just once, please? I love you Hilda.

  - I... I´m... I... I am... a virgin, I strained and turned my eyes away in guilt.

  - You don´t want to?

  Of course I wanted. But I couldn´t tell him. He was my big brother! What if I got pregnant, it could go bad, terribly bad if our parents found out about it. It would not be that hard to figure if my stomach would suddenly begin to grow.

  - I have condoms, he said as he would have heard my thoughts, I´m not going to let anything happen to you. I shook my head.

  - You don´t need to worry. I would never force you. You remember that, okay?

  He released his grip a bit to look at me. I nodded.

  - You decide.

  I looked him deep into his eyes and become enchanted. I was drowning in them the closer they get.

  His lips met mine in another kiss. He wouldn´t go further, not without my permission. I knew that he wouldn´t.

  But this kiss was hotter than the first one. It turned me on. Everything seemed to spin around me. So I closed my eyes and felt how I burned inside of desire. I breathed faster.

  Leo rolled up on top of me, out of breath. I got even more tears in my eyes when he kissed my neck and touched me in a way that gave me Goosebumps. I pulled violently for breath. This was wrong. Completely, but I was sure now.

  - I want to... I really want to. My voice was shaking by my sobbing. Our tears got mixed up with each other when I met his hungry lips once again.

  I wanted to scream when an excruciating pain hit me.

  - Schhh, the pain will go away, Leo whispered. Just hold on. It´s okay. I´m here. The moment I nodded, a funny and strange noise came out of me. I immediately putted a hand to my mouth. But Leo took it away to weave them together and got me silent just by using his own mouth.

  If I had been able to say something, I probably would have said:

  - Leo, I´m not cold anymore.